For the past couple years, I have mostly felt relief at year’s end. I’ve thought, “Well, at least that’s over.” Since my brother Joel died, time simply isn’t the same. Every day is a day I am living in a world where he is absent and his absence is an ever-expanding void.
Every day, I think, “It has been 550 days since he died. It has been 551 days since he died. It has been…” He has missed so much. There are jokes he will never laugh at. On our family group chat, I keep waiting for him to chime in on something we’re talking about. I need to know what he thinks about the interminable new Avatar movie.
His son, his elder child, recently proposed to his lovely girlfriend. My wife and I helped him find a ring. My youngest brother helped our nephew plan how he would pop the proverbial question at one of the nicest restaurants where they live, a private room, a special menu. She said yes. We are all so happy for him, for them. And still, I thought, Joel will never see his son get married. He won’t meet his grandchildren. Whenever the family gets together, which is more often now, we have a picture of Joel, on a nearby counter, on the table, next to the television, so he might know that he is always with us, that we miss him, that nothing is the same without him. I wish I had something pretty to say but grief is terrible and ugly and unceasing.
I used to feel like I accomplished a lot but now, I feel like I am spinning in a slow circle, getting very little done. In 2022, I tried to figure out why I can’t make enough progress on the many projects I’m working on. Burnout? Yes. Overwork? Yes. Taking on too much? Of course. But I don’t know how to fix it. I talk about it in therapy. All the time. I consulted an executive coach but it was just too woo woo for me. I took a vacation and thought I would get a lot of writing done on a cruise ship, (not the kind with amusement parks in the middle and so on). We hopped from one Greek island to another. Went to Kusadasi, Turkey. Saw incredible ancient things. Crystal blue waters. Perfect sunny days. When it was over I didn’t feel so much refreshed as incredibly certain I needed way more time off.
This past year was also the year I realized that social media, however enjoyable, is also a bitter, irredeemable place. My wife and I were in Athens, at this lovely taverna. It was such a wonderful day. We had walked around these narrow streets. We went to the Parthenon and saw all of the city stretching out around us. It was magnificent. Almost brought me to tears. At this taverna, there was a Greek salad on the menu (which was the English version of the menu so yes, it was called a Greek salad). I asked the charming waiter if I could have grilled chicken with it. He smiled at me and said, “No. Then it wouldn’t be a Greek salad.” And you know what? I shut the fuck up and ate my salad the way the chef intended me to. I found the exchange funny so I tweeted about it and made the mistake of saying I enjoyed spending time in Europe (which I do), before sharing this anecdote.
As you might expect, the most pedantic people decided I didn’t understand Europe is a continent, not a country. Of course I know that. What I meant is that this firm belief in how things should be enjoyed is rather European in my experience, not something limited only to Greece or France or wherever. To this day, people send me a screenshot of that tweet with nasty comments about what a horrible, ignorant American I am. And I suppose it’s fine. It won’t stop me from enjoying the world and its differences. But that day let me know I didn’t want to spend too much time in a place where people engage others with the least charitable outlook possible. I love Twitter but even I have my limits.
A new semester started and with it, a new job. I thought writing cultural criticism wonderful class of bright, engaged students. I saw a lot of theater and even took my class to see a show. For several of the students it was their first Broadway show, and I am glad we could share that experience. I continued writing my Work Friend column for The New York Times and I wrote several opinion pieces for them about removing my podcast from Spotify, and how Jada Pinkett Smith shouldn’t have to enjoy being the target of humor because comedy supersedes all, and how it was time to rage about Roe v. Wade being overturned, and rejecting calls for civility in the face of yet another mass shooting at an elementary school, and the outrage of Brittney Griner’s imprisonment, and my thoughts on the movie The Whale, and I closed out the year writing about when Harry met Meghan and prioritized his family over the monarchy. I wrote some things you may or may not ever read or see including a couple television pilots and a movie. Worked on a comic. And still, I did not finish a book, though I do think that will soon change. I edited a special section of Gagosian Quarterly and wrote about collecting art and featured the work of Ladi’Sasha Jones, Randa Jarrar, Amber J. Phillips, Brooke Obie, and visual artist Kellie Romany. I wrote recommendation letters and tenure letters and gave a couple commencement speeches. I saw a lot of art. I attended the Super Bowl. I wrote a profile of Jordan Casteel. I wrote here on this newsletter and hosted my book club and edited the first three titles for Roxane Gay Books that will be published in 2023. I served on a prize jury. I did a lot of crossword puzzles. I read some books though not nearly as many as I normally do. Alas. As I do every year, I will share that reading list with you. Feel free to share your favorite books from last year’s reading in the comments!
My Favorite Book of the Year (a three-way tie)
People Person by Candice Carty-Williams
Hurricane Girl by Marcy Dermansky
Manhunt by Gretchen Felker Martin
The rest of the favorites
Age of Vice by Deepti Kapoor
When We Were Sisters by Fatimah Asghar
If I Survive You by Jonathan Escoffery
Alive at the End of the World by Saeed Jones
Bliss Montage by Ling Ma
The Awesome Books We Read in My Book Club
Noor by Nnedi Okorafor
How High We go in the Dark by Sequoia Nagamatsu
To Paradise by Hanya Yanagihara
Ancestor Trouble by Maud Newton
Memphis by Tara Stringfellow
Jollof Rice and Other Revolutions by Omolola Ijeoma Ogunyemi
Trust by Hernan Díaz
Woman of Light by Kali Fajardo-Anstine
How to Read Now by Elaine Castillo
Counterfeit by Kirstin Chen
Daughters of Smoke and Fire by Ava Homa
Less is Lost by Andrew Sean Greer
Books that made me so angry as I learned just how fucked up systems of oppression are
The Whiteness of Wealth by Dorothy Brown
Under the Skin: The Hidden Toll of Racism on American Lives and on the Health of Our Nation by Linda Villarosa
A beautiful, densely written memoir with really gorgeous sentences
The Crane Wife by C.J. Hauser
A memoir that is so reflective (in the best way) of its author that I could feel his energy vibrating off of every page
Dirtbag, Massachusetts: A Confessional by Isaac Fitzgerald
An engrossing memoir of how a woman becomes one of the finest writers of our day
Manifesto by Bernardine Evaristo
An elegantly structured, ambitious work of cultural criticism
Constructing a Nervous System by Margo Jefferson
The best poetry I read
Golden Axe by Rio Cortez
Girls That Never Die by Safia Elhillo
Time is a Mother by Ocean Vuong
The Symmetry of Fish by Su Cho
The World Keeps Ending, and the World Goes On by Franny Choi
No Sweet Without Brine by Cynthia Manick
Quiet by Victoria Adukwei Bulley
A great spy novel with an interesting woman leading the narrative
The Handler by MP Woodward
A really brilliant novel that has it all—basketball! K-drama! Weird rivalries! Romance! Plot twists! A satisfying ending, but not in the way you think!
The Sense of Wonder by Matthew Salesses
A super gay novel that is so funny and has one of the most infuriating protagonists
Just By Looking at Him by Ryan O’Connell
A novel working with some really compelling ideas and also an infuriating protagonist
NSFW by Isabel Kaplan
An excellent novel that is charming and funny and sweet in the exact right proportions
Romantic Comedy by Curtis Sittenfeld
A book I read because I heard about it online and it really was not good though the author seems nice and even though I didn’t like it, clearly many people did because she has sold like fourteen million copies (really) and I am actually going to write about why I did not like it so stay tuned
It Ends With Us by Colleen Hoover
A weirdly compelling book about the devolution of the Republican party
Weapons of Mass Delusion: When the Republican Party Lost its Mind by Robert Draper
An insidery book about Benghazi
Benghazi: A New History of the Fiasco that Pushed America and its World to the Brink by Ethan Chorin
Three fascinating books about subjects I had never given much thought to but now do
Kingdom of Characters by Jing Tsu
Sounds Wild and Broken by David George Haskell
The Method: How the Twentieth Century Learned to Act by Isaac Butler
A really vital book about NYC during the pandemic and the people who stayed
Feral City by Jeremiah Moss
A deeply researched book about one of those money men who made a fortune and lost it all and changed finance but not for the better
The Bond King by Mary Childs
An interesting cultural history of Atlanta as the capital of the hip hop world
Rap Capital by Joe Coscarelli
Meditative, searching books that are beautifully written and insightful
Wonderlands: Essays on the Life of Literature by Charles Baxter
Fen Bog and Swamp by Annie Proulx
Strangers to Ourselves: Unsettled Minds and the Stories That Make Us by Rachel Aviv
Justice for Animals by Martha C. Nussbaum
A book that rather depressed me because even the word “metaverse” irritates me
Metaverse and How it Will Revolutionize Everything by Matthew L. Ball
Your comment that “in how things should be enjoyed is rather European” makes me think of our miniature Poodle, a senior rescue, who, for the longest time, wouldn’t eat his food when we gave it to him at 5 pm. When we would start to upstairs around 8 o’clock to settle into bed, Buddy would finally start to eat his dinner.
This was a bit frustrating for us, until we realized, of course, he is French, and for him, 8 pm is the time civilized people eat, not 5 o’clock! So, “rather European” is the exactly term for enjoying a civilized life.
I read once that grief is love with no place to go. Yet you continue to love your brother and hold up his, and your, family in such beautiful ways. Reading your work, I always feel the love you put out into the world. Thank you for continuing to do so in spite of all the nonsense. May you have many more days of travel and rest.