Dear Dr. Carlson,
As requested, please find below a food log detailing everything our beloved poodle Agador Spartacus ate this past week as well as any behaviors he exhibited around food.
We prepared a bowl of dry dog food covered in chicken hearts. Agador Spartacus, as per usual, stared at the food, sniffed it diffidently, and walked away. We left the bowl of food out.
Agador Spartacus ate the chicken hearts, left the dog food.
Dog food remains untouched.
On his walk, Agador Spartacus ate three (3) dried leaves, a used band-aid on the street, an abandoned piece of pizza crust, and enjoyed some murky water pooled at the curb.
While running errands I went to the rich people dog food place where they use “human grade” food and prepare it in front of you. I spent $112 and was really encouraged as the food looked almost edible. We served it to Agador Spartacus. He refused to open his mouth. Later, he took a single bite of the food and spit it back out.
We bought Agador Spartacus a hamburger from Five Guys, broke it up, and he ate most of it after we added some seasoning.
I ate some pistachio ice cream. Agador Spartacus enjoyed half a pint.
The appetite stimulant prescription you ordered for Agador Spartacus arrived yesterday. I filled the syringe as per your instructions but when I tried to squirt the solution into Agador Spartacus ’s mouth, he clamped his jaw shut, and moved his head in the opposite direction of my hand movements, repeatedly. When I finally got his jaw open, after ten minutes of effort, only a small amount of the medicine made it into his mouth. I had to change my shirt as most of the medicine ended up on me. It is sticky and sweet but not at all in a good way.
My wife prepared Agador Spartacus’s food before she left for work and added the lamb treats he sometimes likes. When I came downstairs, his food was untouched.
Agador Spartacus enjoyed the stuffing of one (1) stuffed toy. I caught him eating the poor toy as he hid behind the couch. When he saw me, he looked up. There was white filling on his nose and lips. Not sure how much he ingested. Will check his stool, later.
On his walk, Agador Spartacus dined on a Styrofoam takeout container he found next to an overflowing trashcan. There was half a taco inside the container. He seems to like Mexican.
Ordered Agador Spartacus a Kobe Beef steak for $88. He refused to eat it. My wife and I ate the steak instead. His loss, honestly.
In honor, perhaps, of former president Barack Obama’s ascetic snacking, Agador Spartacus ate seven (7) pistachios I shelled for him.
Tried to administer the medicine again. Agador Spartacus saw me coming with the syringe and ran in the opposite direction. I am in my forties. I was unable to catch him.
Prepared Agador Spartacus a bowl of food and chicken hearts. He sniffed the food, eyed it suspiciously, ate one (1) chicken heart, and refused anymore.
Found Agador Spartacus in our bathroom with a tampon string hanging out of his mouth. After gently prying his jaw open, the tampon (used) was nowhere to be found. When I relayed this troubling information to my wife, she dry-heaved.
Agador Spartacus enjoyed the cat food we put out for the cats. It was Fancy Feast Gravy Lovers Chicken, if that matters.
Took Agador Spartacus to the dog park. He ate a small patch of grass and some dried mulch. Is there protein in grass?
Per our trainer’s advice, we cooked some chicken in butter and shredded it in a bowl. Agador Spartacus refused our efforts. When we tried to feed him, he clamped his jaw shut and moved his head with surprising strength. Again.
Bought Agador Spartacus a ribeye steak, $60, and after some initial resistance he ate approx. eight (8) ounces but only when my wife held him in her lap and fed him by hand and gave him lots of pets.
Desperate, I laid out a buffet of food options for Agador Spartacus: one (1) bowl of Fancy Feast, one (1) bowl of his dog food with chicken hearts, half (1/2) a steak, left over from last night, a small bowl of pistachio ice cream, and a bowl of shelled pistachios. Agador Spartacus considered each option at length and declined to partake of any.
Agador Spartacus came to my office, smelling suspiciously like shit, looking supremely satisfied. I asked him what he ate. He stared at me, wagging his tail enthusiastically. I had a sneaking suspicion Agador Spartacus had done something terrible. I went downstairs, where the smell of shit was even stronger. Just outside of the litter box, I found a smattering of cat shit. All this to say, Agador Spartacus fucking ate cat shit. We have a shit-eating dog.
On his walk, Agador Spartacus ate whatever the fuck he wanted—torn newsprint, a piece of cardboard covered in duct tape, an abandoned Barbie leg, the soiled portion of a diaper. Adorable dog, repulsive palate.
Took Agador Spartacus to your office for an emergency appointment. Though you assured us it is normal for dogs to eat cat shit, we are not convinced. Will try the heat method you suggested for deterring Agador Spartacus from the litter box.
Sprinkled Sriracha all over the litter box. Wife worried this might cause the cats discomfort. Consulted the Internet. It should be fine. Right?
Made ourselves a roast chicken for dinner. Shredded some in a bowl for Agador Spartacus. He ate four (4) bites, grew bored and abandoned the rest.
Agador Spartacus bounded into our bed smelling like Sriracha and cat shit. There was a dusting of cat litter on his nose, a soupçon if you will.
Heard Agador Spartacus retching from inside his kennel. Let him out and he vomited a perfectly formed log of cat shit onto the rug. My wife started crying, and asked what we’re doing wrong. I told her this was all normal and she reminded me that this is my first dog, I’m no expert.
As I came downstairs to feed Agador Spartacus he came running out from where we keep the cat litter. He looked and smelled very guilty, but his tail was wagging happily. SSDD.
I give up.