Private Rites: Matters of Loss
On page 69, (heh) Isla is sitting alone in her father’s house considering crying about him but can’t find any tears. “How, she wondered, is one supposed to grieve an absence when that absence is familiar? What, she wondered, was grief without a clear departure to regret?” This novel depicts characters who have a complicated relationship to grief. What did you think of those portrayals? Have you experienced a loss that hasn’t really felt like one? How did you deal with those complicated feelings? What, if anything, did you learn from the experience? Has it changed the way you approach any of your relationships?
I had a “complicated” relationship with my father. Alone by his bedside in the hospital while he lay dying, I started to think about how sad it was… and teared up. With a low growl, my father said, “Mahers don’t weep”.
I leaned over - kissed him on the forehead and left him - to die alone - which he did a few hours later.
I drove the 2 hours from Waterbury to Boston dry-eyed.
I kept thinking at some point, I’d break down and feel the loss. Throughout the wake, funeral, disposition of the family home, holidays, etc… Nada.
It’s been 30 years
Not yet…
How do you mourn something that was never really there?
(Maher was my maiden name.)
Me too. I had mourned the loss of my mother decades before she actually died. Despite her monstrosity, we gave her a beautiful death. What messed me up afterwards was the unfairness of it all. It took time to adjust to the absence of my nemesis and eventually, a year later, I was able to breathe and feel free.