I enjoyed this read very much. It is tightly written which I appreciate; almost precise. For me, it evoked feelings of longing to have had a mother with whom connection felt like a warm hug and whose loss is profoundly felt, yet the story is not maudlin. The ending is positive as even though a great loss is experienced a profound sense of personal fortitude is recognized.
Hi Hillerie- thank you so much! This was difficult to write. It wasn't until I switched to 2nd person, to give myself some distance, that it really came together.
I appreciate you doing what you needed to do to get this out of you, over to us. It is so beautifully written and feels so human. Leaps off my screen and into my senses. Thank you for being willing to share.
Kari I am always very honest, sometimes painfully so. My mother is still alive at 90. She is a diagnosed narcissist and has borderline personality disorder now complicated with dementia. I have few pleasant memories and my brothers have virtually abandoned her care to me as she is "difficult" in the best of times and with dementia it is only worse. I think about friends who suffer great personal loss with the passing of beloved parent(s). Neither of mine should ever have had children and the certainly should never have married. Oil and water they were! My longing for a living parent(s) and the sense of loss happened when I was much younger. I would visit friends for weekend stays and see the parental interaction and longed for something similar. When my mother passes I shall feel great relief not only for me, but for her as she has been such an unhappy dissatisfied person most of her life.
Hillerie- I feel this so much! I recently lost my father who was a narcissist (though not diagnosed, they rarely ever are). Therapy helped me to come to understand this about him and our relationship. I wrote something about losing him on my substack here- https://substack.com/home/post/p-188200154. I hope it will resonate with you.
I read your article about your father. I never mentioned mine in my remarks about my mother although I did say they should never have married or had children. My father was also perhaps a narcissist. Certainly not a great father. I recall as he was a woman's garment traveling sales rep and he brought models with him on his long road trips that he would bring these women home to have dinner with our family that my mother and I cooked and served. I knew by 12 he was sleeping with them. It was hard to have any respect for either of my parents. I tried to just blank things out. When my father died in 2018 I hadn't seen him in 25 years. One of my brother's supported him financially as all the women over the years combined with bad financial decisions had left him pretty broke. We had him cremated and left his ashes in a cardboard box at the bottom of a lake my brother's remembered where he had once taken them fishing. One of the few positive experiences they had with him. Not me nor my 2 brother's shed one tear. Ian was happy the financially burden had ended. I had refused to pony up. For me he had been long deceased so there was no latent grief. When my mother goes I shall feel relieved and also free. My brother's concur. Considering our unpleasant childhood only one of 3 had children. My brother who did has done everything in his power to be a kind and loving father. As he aptly once said do everything the opposite way we were raised".
I’m sure you have a lot of company in this scenario, including me.
Once they are gone the conflict ends, possibilities are over, and the story ends. Negotiations are over.
I am now trying to focus on the positive aspects they gave me, after having several years to come to terms with some profound negatives.
It helps me to sort out the really great things that I have done all on my own that I alone can take credit or blame for. Silly, but putting it all in pro/con lists allows some breathing space! Been doing those for 55 years! Started with a Larry in high school: his dorky perpetual white socks were a definite con! 🤣
The ambiguity of "fatalistic" makes me think of Macbeth's reaction to the death of his wife: "She should have died hereafter." Should have...meaning she always would have? Or that he doesn't care that she did?
The momentum in the face of loss resonated with me. I am much older (69) and my mom’s recent death still brought up many of those same feelings. Even though I am “settled” with grown daughters of my own. Thank you for writing this& thank you for sharing it
Beautiful. I've got a small amount of both my parents' ashes in my chest of drawers; I just realised I should really do something with them as I don't want my children to have to manage that, too, when I go.
Mary, my cousin still jokes about having my aunt in a box in her closet. When I was 12 or 13 I hiked with the same aunt, my uncle and my mom to leave their folks, my grandparents, in a spot in the mountains near the San Luis Valley, Colorado. My uncle carved their headstones in two trees (frowned upon now, but I'm so thankful for it.) There is a photo of the three of them in front of the trees, which I took. I watched my uncle bury the boxes in which their remains were in the bushes below the trees. It is my dream and goal to get my mom there. The trouble is, the only one still alive, besides me at 12, is my uncle, who is now blind. Finding that spot will prove difficult. But she will rest there one day.
The second person is doing something very specific here and I want to name it — it’s not distance, it’s rehearsal. The narrator is practising being the person this happened to. Trying the grief on in front of a mirror before wearing it outside. That’s why it works where second person so often doesn’t. It isn’t a trick. It’s the essay’s actual subject — becoming the woman who can do this alone. The Outback Steakhouse scene is devastating. The father choosing “fatalistic” as comfort, the narrator looking the word up afterwards as though the dictionary might make his meaning less brutal. And the Kool-Aid scooper. That’s the kind of detail you can’t invent and shouldn’t want to — the absurd logistics of grief that no one warns you about.
Thanks for your take on it John. For me the 2nd person created the distance I, as the writer, needed to really get to the hard stuff of this. The hard stuff you mention. I like of 'practicing being the person this happened to." I suppose I still am.
The writing is tight, the emotions needn't be. It's been a year since I helped my son with his mother's ashes. Despite our being divorced for forty years, he kept us connected. Stay strong!
Loved this piece by @kari12 Kari Redmond! Really encapsulated the grief felt when one loses a parent/has an estranged family, and no one to really count on. The mother in the story sounds like mine, as did the loss of a best friend with no real understanding of why paths diverged. I especially loved the line "accepting that you and your best friend could only follow the same path for so long, even if you’ll never know why."
I love the destination of moving water and how she is ‘still traveling’.
I’ve attended two scatterings in icy mountain streams, one at the toe of a glacier! After 24 years, I like to think that some nano particles have made their way to the Pacific ocean.
Beautiful. Love the use of second person here. It also seems like the father estrangement issue after a mother's death is so common. What's up with dads?!
I enjoyed this read very much. It is tightly written which I appreciate; almost precise. For me, it evoked feelings of longing to have had a mother with whom connection felt like a warm hug and whose loss is profoundly felt, yet the story is not maudlin. The ending is positive as even though a great loss is experienced a profound sense of personal fortitude is recognized.
Hi Hillerie- thank you so much! This was difficult to write. It wasn't until I switched to 2nd person, to give myself some distance, that it really came together.
I appreciate you doing what you needed to do to get this out of you, over to us. It is so beautifully written and feels so human. Leaps off my screen and into my senses. Thank you for being willing to share.
Akilah- thank you so much for your kind words.
Kari I am always very honest, sometimes painfully so. My mother is still alive at 90. She is a diagnosed narcissist and has borderline personality disorder now complicated with dementia. I have few pleasant memories and my brothers have virtually abandoned her care to me as she is "difficult" in the best of times and with dementia it is only worse. I think about friends who suffer great personal loss with the passing of beloved parent(s). Neither of mine should ever have had children and the certainly should never have married. Oil and water they were! My longing for a living parent(s) and the sense of loss happened when I was much younger. I would visit friends for weekend stays and see the parental interaction and longed for something similar. When my mother passes I shall feel great relief not only for me, but for her as she has been such an unhappy dissatisfied person most of her life.
Hillerie- I feel this so much! I recently lost my father who was a narcissist (though not diagnosed, they rarely ever are). Therapy helped me to come to understand this about him and our relationship. I wrote something about losing him on my substack here- https://substack.com/home/post/p-188200154. I hope it will resonate with you.
I read your article about your father. I never mentioned mine in my remarks about my mother although I did say they should never have married or had children. My father was also perhaps a narcissist. Certainly not a great father. I recall as he was a woman's garment traveling sales rep and he brought models with him on his long road trips that he would bring these women home to have dinner with our family that my mother and I cooked and served. I knew by 12 he was sleeping with them. It was hard to have any respect for either of my parents. I tried to just blank things out. When my father died in 2018 I hadn't seen him in 25 years. One of my brother's supported him financially as all the women over the years combined with bad financial decisions had left him pretty broke. We had him cremated and left his ashes in a cardboard box at the bottom of a lake my brother's remembered where he had once taken them fishing. One of the few positive experiences they had with him. Not me nor my 2 brother's shed one tear. Ian was happy the financially burden had ended. I had refused to pony up. For me he had been long deceased so there was no latent grief. When my mother goes I shall feel relieved and also free. My brother's concur. Considering our unpleasant childhood only one of 3 had children. My brother who did has done everything in his power to be a kind and loving father. As he aptly once said do everything the opposite way we were raised".
I’m sure you have a lot of company in this scenario, including me.
Once they are gone the conflict ends, possibilities are over, and the story ends. Negotiations are over.
I am now trying to focus on the positive aspects they gave me, after having several years to come to terms with some profound negatives.
It helps me to sort out the really great things that I have done all on my own that I alone can take credit or blame for. Silly, but putting it all in pro/con lists allows some breathing space! Been doing those for 55 years! Started with a Larry in high school: his dorky perpetual white socks were a definite con! 🤣
Peace and serenity to you.
The ambiguity of "fatalistic" makes me think of Macbeth's reaction to the death of his wife: "She should have died hereafter." Should have...meaning she always would have? Or that he doesn't care that she did?
Ohhh, I like that!
The momentum in the face of loss resonated with me. I am much older (69) and my mom’s recent death still brought up many of those same feelings. Even though I am “settled” with grown daughters of my own. Thank you for writing this& thank you for sharing it
Hi Jennifer- I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm so glad you could relate to this. Losing our moms is so very hard.
So very lovely and loving.
Beautiful!
Ali, thank you so much!
Beautiful. I've got a small amount of both my parents' ashes in my chest of drawers; I just realised I should really do something with them as I don't want my children to have to manage that, too, when I go.
Mary, my cousin still jokes about having my aunt in a box in her closet. When I was 12 or 13 I hiked with the same aunt, my uncle and my mom to leave their folks, my grandparents, in a spot in the mountains near the San Luis Valley, Colorado. My uncle carved their headstones in two trees (frowned upon now, but I'm so thankful for it.) There is a photo of the three of them in front of the trees, which I took. I watched my uncle bury the boxes in which their remains were in the bushes below the trees. It is my dream and goal to get my mom there. The trouble is, the only one still alive, besides me at 12, is my uncle, who is now blind. Finding that spot will prove difficult. But she will rest there one day.
Gorgeously written! I loved that you choose 2nd person to tell this story. It flows seamlessly, much like the flowers must have in the ocean.
Ain- thank you so much!
The second person is doing something very specific here and I want to name it — it’s not distance, it’s rehearsal. The narrator is practising being the person this happened to. Trying the grief on in front of a mirror before wearing it outside. That’s why it works where second person so often doesn’t. It isn’t a trick. It’s the essay’s actual subject — becoming the woman who can do this alone. The Outback Steakhouse scene is devastating. The father choosing “fatalistic” as comfort, the narrator looking the word up afterwards as though the dictionary might make his meaning less brutal. And the Kool-Aid scooper. That’s the kind of detail you can’t invent and shouldn’t want to — the absurd logistics of grief that no one warns you about.
Thanks for your take on it John. For me the 2nd person created the distance I, as the writer, needed to really get to the hard stuff of this. The hard stuff you mention. I like of 'practicing being the person this happened to." I suppose I still am.
That's the essay's real ending, right there. thank you so much for sharing.
"...a way to discover who you are when no one is watching." Chef's kiss!
Very beautiful writing. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you Jenny!
The writing is tight, the emotions needn't be. It's been a year since I helped my son with his mother's ashes. Despite our being divorced for forty years, he kept us connected. Stay strong!
Thank you so much! I love that you helped him.
Loved this piece by @kari12 Kari Redmond! Really encapsulated the grief felt when one loses a parent/has an estranged family, and no one to really count on. The mother in the story sounds like mine, as did the loss of a best friend with no real understanding of why paths diverged. I especially loved the line "accepting that you and your best friend could only follow the same path for so long, even if you’ll never know why."
Really resonant and powerful piece of prose!
Joy- thank you so much for the kind words. I'm so glad this resonated with you. It sounds like we have much in common.
I love the destination of moving water and how she is ‘still traveling’.
I’ve attended two scatterings in icy mountain streams, one at the toe of a glacier! After 24 years, I like to think that some nano particles have made their way to the Pacific ocean.
Thanks Ali! She will always be traveling, as I'll spread her everywhere I go. And I'm going everywhere!
Beautiful. Love the use of second person here. It also seems like the father estrangement issue after a mother's death is so common. What's up with dads?!
Thank you! And, right?!
touching- that's all.
Thanks!