Who Gets to Be Dirty
It's not just calves and ankles going unwashed
I read an article somewhere on the Internet about how Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis don’t really bathe much and also allow their children to revel in free range filth. A couple days later, Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard said they “wait for the stink,” before bathing their own children and then Jake Gyllenhall said he wasn’t one for showering. I was horrified. All this, DURING A PANDEMIC!!!
My issue with the unshowered does not apply to any of you who are dealing with disabilities that make bathing difficult, or have medical issues like eczema where showering daily exacerbates the condition, or are dealing with depression, etc etc. What you do with your body is your business. What anyone does with their body is their business until they make it everyone’s business by talking about it in an interview. I think you know that but this is the internet where people are loathe to give anyone the benefit of the doubt so sometimes, we must state the obvious.
This lax, indifferent attitude toward bathing and cleanliness blows my mind. For one, my mom is incredibly fastidious about cleanliness so I was raised in a hyper-hygienic environment. I wish I could deprogram myself but it doesn’t seem likely in the life I have left. But also, I’m fat, and there are a lot of stereotypes about fat people as dirty, smelly, etc. I have to make extra effort to present myself as clean and tidy to receive a modicum of consideration from just about anyone. Life is unfair, it’s fine, whatever, but still, it gives me pause when someone says he doesn’t shower after working out, just splashes water on his face to remove the salts, whatever that means. I can’t imagine feeling like that is an available option.
People of color also have to think carefully about hygiene and self-presentation, as do people from many other marginalized groups. If a black parent made the statements celebrities have made lately about bathing and their children, they would soon receive a visit from Child Protective Services. This is not hyperbole; it happens, regularly and disproportionately.
Immigrants have often been framed as dirty. As we speak, certain conservatives are propagating the toxic rumor that the Delta variant is being brought into the country by people crossing the U.S. Southern border. During the segregation era (has it really ended?), white communities would drain an entire pool if a black person so much as dipped their toe in the water.
When we talk about cleanliness, it’s not just the low-hanging fruit about wash cloths and calves. It’s not just about our present day bodies. There is an entire cultural history that cannot be overlooked or forgotten.
It is the unique purview of wealthy white people to be unclean by choice, to take pride in that, and to speak openly and unapologetically about reveling in their natural odors and oils as if it is both an identity and a moral good. There is also the incredible privilege of knowing you can be dirty and won’t be judged or treated as inferior; you might, in fact, be celebrated, or receive an incredible amount of publicity.
Now people are trying to explain their bathing choices, and again, your body, do what you like. But lotion exists, for dry skin. Lotion is ubiquitous. You can still protect the environment and take a quick shower each day.
I digress. I remember in high school and college, how some white girls would make it something of a competition to see how long they could go without bathing. They would compare the oiliness of their hair and other such nonsense and no one (white) thought anything of it. I was reminded of that this week as I contemplated the lives of the famous and unshowered. What attitudes toward cleanliness were you raised with? What are your attitudes now?
This essay says so much and took me back to a buried memory:
I was the only Black female hostess at a super fancy restaurant in Chicago. I was young and the right size and I fit their culture (ie. I wore extensions and a blowout) and spoke the Queen’s English. One day I got a call from a super fancy hotel concierge that Maggie Gyllnhaal and a guest were coming to dine at the restaurant. He wanted to give us a heads up that they both had an offensive odor and that we might want to find a place outside on our patio so as not to offend other diners. Yep!!!! Grown wealthy smelly people got the royal treatment. They indeed stank like ass and crotch and old feet and nasty hair. But whatever—I was told that it was our duty to serve them.
Now I can’t tell you how many times that I was told to shoo away homeless people from the sidewalk who were just existing too close to our restaurant because their presence and odor might offend guests. First of all, in most cases, the homeless folks were minding their own business and asking nothing from the restaurant or its guests. Plus, they certainly couldn’t have out-funked Maggie and her man. Thinking of that smell makes me ill. It was really shocking how quickly their personal comfort became more important than our standards. No other guest or homeless person would have been given such consideration. It was as if their filth had more status than a homeless person’s cleanliness. Note* the homeless person was almost always a Black person and I was always the one sent to ask them to leave while managers hid in the back office. But they were only too available to help me greet and seat Maggie.
I was raised in a neglectful home. My father was an alcoholic and my mother was busy propping him up so he could work. I also have 6 siblings. I wasn’t taught anything regarding personal care or hygiene. I was simply not aware that I was not clean. There were two incidents that put me on the path to becoming hyper vigilant with regard to my hygiene.
The first incident happened in third grade. My teacher embarrassed me by pointing out, in front of the whole class, that I had a lot of dirt under my nails. She reprimanded me and said I needed to talk to my mother about taking more baths. I cried but I could not tell her that my mother simply didn’t pay attention enough to help. From that day on I made sure my nails were clean and that at a minimum I brushed my hair. The second incident was even more embarrassing. I was a bed wetter until 5th grade. The underlying reasons for that are not relevant for this post except that it was something that made my mother very angry and she would send me to school without bathing after a night that I wet the bed. I was used to the smell so I didn’t realize it was obvious to other people. I was in 5th grade and some classmates were whispering about “that” smell. They were laughing and mentioned it to our teacher. He knew the smell was coming from me as did my classmates. He pulled me aside later to ask if everything was ok at home. And he mentioned I should bathe every morning before school. From that day on I never went a day without showering, shampooing, making sure my clothes were clean and pressed. I went out and bought deodorant. And I raised my boys to be proud of their appearance and taught them how to be take care of themselves.