Homeseeking: The Burden of Expectations
On page 126, Suchi grapples with the weight of her father’s expectations:
Apa wanted her to be more. He wanted her to be the smartest she could be, the most courageous she could be, not for the mere sake of it, but because he wanted her to do something that would make a difference in their changing world. His definition of good was someone who helped the people around them, even when they themselves felt powerless. But what if Suchi couldn’t?
It’s pretty standard for parents to want more for their children, and to hope thatthey contribute something good to the world. What do you think about Suchi’s interpretation of her father’s hopes for her? What pressure did she put herself under? Do you think Suchi’s dreams for her life are really that different from her father’s? How did Karissa Chen’s depiction of a young woman trying to shoulder the burden of expectations read to you? Did it mirror your own experiences? When you were growing up, did you think your parents’ expectations of you were achievable? Why or why not? If you’re a parent, how do you communicate to your children your hopes for them?
I'm still trying to make sense of my parents' expectations of me. I was the only daughter. While they were very perfectionistic, they were also very discouraging and readily "put down" anything I wanted to do, especially regarding any pursuits not related directly to motherhood. When I was 17 they told me they weren't going to see me through college since I "wanted to have kids someday" (which is nonsensical, I know, lol). To this day, my mom still belittles or seems triggered by any talk of good news regarding my achievements. I parent my children VERY differently--I've watched them soar into adulthood as I've given them total freedom to follow their callings. It's been important to me to communicate that they are completely free of the burden of my hopes or expectations for them---that I'm simply here to be a partner, support, and appreciative observer of the journey they forge for themselves. It's a great way to show up as a parent and it's given me a lot of freedom to simply love them along the way instead of trying to manage their life in any way.
As a parent I had to consciously unlearn to not put expectations on my children. Let them tell me and show me who they are. It’s a checking in with myself and remembering how long it took me to figure out this life thing and trust and give them space to do the same. I constantly remember now to do no harm. Support and showing up has become much more important.