I'm still trying to make sense of my parents' expectations of me. I was the only daughter. While they were very perfectionistic, they were also very discouraging and readily "put down" anything I wanted to do, especially regarding any pursuits not related directly to motherhood. When I was 17 they told me they weren't going to see me through college since I "wanted to have kids someday" (which is nonsensical, I know, lol). To this day, my mom still belittles or seems triggered by any talk of good news regarding my achievements. I parent my children VERY differently--I've watched them soar into adulthood as I've given them total freedom to follow their callings. It's been important to me to communicate that they are completely free of the burden of my hopes or expectations for them---that I'm simply here to be a partner, support, and appreciative observer of the journey they forge for themselves. It's a great way to show up as a parent and it's given me a lot of freedom to simply love them along the way instead of trying to manage their life in any way.
As a parent I had to consciously unlearn to not put expectations on my children. Let them tell me and show me who they are. It’s a checking in with myself and remembering how long it took me to figure out this life thing and trust and give them space to do the same. I constantly remember now to do no harm. Support and showing up has become much more important.
Suchi wants to be a famous singer; her father wants her to someday take over the his bookstore. Suchi's aspirations are somewhat unrealistic, but also understandable. How many of us wanted to be actors, rock stars, astronauts, presidents (at least in the Sixties and Seventies}? She's fortunate to have a father who sees how intelligent his daughter is and how, given the political environment of the time as well as the family's economic and social circumstances, the bookstore might very well be a good fit for her. His emphasis on doing something to make the world a better place, to sell books which educate and inspire, is admirable. Suchi also wants to inspire people, to make the world a more beautiful place through her singing, but she's unaware of the price women have to pay to become artists or entertainers in the kind of world she lives in.
My parents valued intelligence and creativity, up to a point. As refugees from Lithuania, they also valued practicality and had Old World conceptions about the roles of women. My father wanted me to become a nurse although I fainted at the sight of blood and almost flunked high school biology. He never encouraged me to become a doctor, though. My mother thought that a realistic goal for me was to marry a doctor: "That way you can continue acting in plays." She was like most mothers in the neighborhood; if you're a boy, you became a doctor; if you're a girl, you marry one. She was very proud of me, though, when I received my doctorate in English.
There are always two different expectations to consider. The first being her father's expectations, hopes, and dreams for her, the second being what she actually interprets and perceives those expectations to be.
Even eliminating cultural pressures of pride/shame, ambition/work ethic, etc, I always recall the pressure I put on myself involved thinking I had to do shit perfectly. It always seemed everyone else around me had their shit together and knew what the heck they were doing and where they were going in life. You don't learn to much later that those are just masks that people are wearing to hide whatever their truth is. Hide their vulnerabilities.
If ALL he wants is he to be someone who cares and is passionate about helping those around her, then hopefully he raised her modeling and pointing those qualities out ro her. And a whole lot of other stuff.
My dad was ridiculously tough on me at times. His expectations regarding those markers that many people measure for success never seemed apparent. Maybe because we were poor. But he did expect me to be a good person who knew how to get things done on my own. Fearing failure was less of an issue.
I kept returning to "more" in the quote. Sometimes we can assume this means a doing, but I have experienced it more as a being... a bravery to show up fully as one's self in space. As my relationship to my parents, both the ascended and living, change as I age, this willingness to show up in my fullest embodiment in the face of not knowing is a redefinition of "home seeking." Thank you for this contemplation.
Like Michael, my father's expectations were not personal success-oriented but rather more about becoming a "contributing part of society," --his words. He valued honesty and timeliness and told us we ought to never burden other people. Even when I was 17, heading off to backpack around India for three months, he made it clear that I should remember that I was a guest in their country. That India was not a setting for my vacation and that I should try and find useful ways to occupy myself. He was a bit hard on us, maybe.... but never in the intellectual way that Suchi's father was--but back then one could still have a greta life with a high school education (especially girls? maybe he thought?) I am still in the first hundred pages of the book. But I admire her father so far, as an intellectual who believed that girls can be the intellectual equals of boys. Forcing kids to jump hoops and trying to mold others is a fruitless task, I think.... my husband had no expectations at all as a child and felt unloved because of it... but parenting from one's anxiety (about money etc) is also not ideal.... parenting is such an endless challenge, I guess.
My parents had very low expectations of me, and it bothered me that they didn't want me to long for more. Raised Jehovah Witness, all my parents wanted for me was to get a good union job. My dad wanted me to be a proud doorman, and I did it for a few years through sheer boredom. I wanted a little more of Suchi's father in my life. Someone who believed I could achieve more.
I'm still trying to make sense of my parents' expectations of me. I was the only daughter. While they were very perfectionistic, they were also very discouraging and readily "put down" anything I wanted to do, especially regarding any pursuits not related directly to motherhood. When I was 17 they told me they weren't going to see me through college since I "wanted to have kids someday" (which is nonsensical, I know, lol). To this day, my mom still belittles or seems triggered by any talk of good news regarding my achievements. I parent my children VERY differently--I've watched them soar into adulthood as I've given them total freedom to follow their callings. It's been important to me to communicate that they are completely free of the burden of my hopes or expectations for them---that I'm simply here to be a partner, support, and appreciative observer of the journey they forge for themselves. It's a great way to show up as a parent and it's given me a lot of freedom to simply love them along the way instead of trying to manage their life in any way.
Your kids are so lucky to have you! And I've totally been there on the mom front. It sucks but I'm so glad you're breaking the cycle <3
That is so kind of you to say! It sure isn't easy but is so rich with reward. Thank you!
As a parent I had to consciously unlearn to not put expectations on my children. Let them tell me and show me who they are. It’s a checking in with myself and remembering how long it took me to figure out this life thing and trust and give them space to do the same. I constantly remember now to do no harm. Support and showing up has become much more important.
Suchi wants to be a famous singer; her father wants her to someday take over the his bookstore. Suchi's aspirations are somewhat unrealistic, but also understandable. How many of us wanted to be actors, rock stars, astronauts, presidents (at least in the Sixties and Seventies}? She's fortunate to have a father who sees how intelligent his daughter is and how, given the political environment of the time as well as the family's economic and social circumstances, the bookstore might very well be a good fit for her. His emphasis on doing something to make the world a better place, to sell books which educate and inspire, is admirable. Suchi also wants to inspire people, to make the world a more beautiful place through her singing, but she's unaware of the price women have to pay to become artists or entertainers in the kind of world she lives in.
My parents valued intelligence and creativity, up to a point. As refugees from Lithuania, they also valued practicality and had Old World conceptions about the roles of women. My father wanted me to become a nurse although I fainted at the sight of blood and almost flunked high school biology. He never encouraged me to become a doctor, though. My mother thought that a realistic goal for me was to marry a doctor: "That way you can continue acting in plays." She was like most mothers in the neighborhood; if you're a boy, you became a doctor; if you're a girl, you marry one. She was very proud of me, though, when I received my doctorate in English.
There are always two different expectations to consider. The first being her father's expectations, hopes, and dreams for her, the second being what she actually interprets and perceives those expectations to be.
Even eliminating cultural pressures of pride/shame, ambition/work ethic, etc, I always recall the pressure I put on myself involved thinking I had to do shit perfectly. It always seemed everyone else around me had their shit together and knew what the heck they were doing and where they were going in life. You don't learn to much later that those are just masks that people are wearing to hide whatever their truth is. Hide their vulnerabilities.
If ALL he wants is he to be someone who cares and is passionate about helping those around her, then hopefully he raised her modeling and pointing those qualities out ro her. And a whole lot of other stuff.
My dad was ridiculously tough on me at times. His expectations regarding those markers that many people measure for success never seemed apparent. Maybe because we were poor. But he did expect me to be a good person who knew how to get things done on my own. Fearing failure was less of an issue.
Good morning, what is the date of this month's book club and can't seem to find the registration. Thanks so much.
I kept returning to "more" in the quote. Sometimes we can assume this means a doing, but I have experienced it more as a being... a bravery to show up fully as one's self in space. As my relationship to my parents, both the ascended and living, change as I age, this willingness to show up in my fullest embodiment in the face of not knowing is a redefinition of "home seeking." Thank you for this contemplation.
Like Michael, my father's expectations were not personal success-oriented but rather more about becoming a "contributing part of society," --his words. He valued honesty and timeliness and told us we ought to never burden other people. Even when I was 17, heading off to backpack around India for three months, he made it clear that I should remember that I was a guest in their country. That India was not a setting for my vacation and that I should try and find useful ways to occupy myself. He was a bit hard on us, maybe.... but never in the intellectual way that Suchi's father was--but back then one could still have a greta life with a high school education (especially girls? maybe he thought?) I am still in the first hundred pages of the book. But I admire her father so far, as an intellectual who believed that girls can be the intellectual equals of boys. Forcing kids to jump hoops and trying to mold others is a fruitless task, I think.... my husband had no expectations at all as a child and felt unloved because of it... but parenting from one's anxiety (about money etc) is also not ideal.... parenting is such an endless challenge, I guess.
My parents had very low expectations of me, and it bothered me that they didn't want me to long for more. Raised Jehovah Witness, all my parents wanted for me was to get a good union job. My dad wanted me to be a proud doorman, and I did it for a few years through sheer boredom. I wanted a little more of Suchi's father in my life. Someone who believed I could achieve more.