It Was Always Going to be Too Soon

When the daughter writes the obituary

Refusing to smile.

Nicole Gay graced this world with her luminous presence on September 28, 1949 and she graced the next world with her luminous presence on February 18, 2025. She was preceded in death by her son Joel Gay with whom she is now reunited. She leaves behind a great many people who adored her including her husband of 52 years, Michael Gay Sr., her daughter, Roxane Gay and daughter-in-law Debbie Millman, her son Michael Gay Jr. and daughter-in-law Aide Gay, and three grandchildren—JPG, PNG, and LKG. There is also a bright constellation of siblings, cousins, nephews and nieces, great-nephews and great-nieces, godchildren, and lifelong friends who will carry her memory forward.

Nicole was born to Frank Pilorge and Marie Gerardine Emma Edouard and was one of ten children—Frantz, Lillian, Gerard, Marise, Marie-Denise, Ti-Jean, Tamara, Nesly and Astrid, who was also her goddaughter. She lived her early life in Port au Prince, Haiti, and grew up in a boisterous home, full of love. She doted on her younger sisters, mothering them alongside her own mother. Nicole’s brothers doted on her, protected her, taught her to box, and also taught her to stand up for herself. She took to those lessons well.

From an early age, Nicole had a preternatural sense of self—she knew exactly who she was. She was confident, generous, and kind but she did not and would not suffer fools. She had an unwavering moral code, a profound inclination toward justice, and her standards were exacting. To live without judgment, she often said, was to be willing to tolerate anything. That would never be her. She was beautiful, with a lush mane of black hair that, for many years, cascaded down her back. During Nicole’s teen years, boys would often shout after her, Quelle belle paire jambes, a compliment which was immediately deflected with profane clarity. She emigrated to the United States as a young woman, joining her mother and some of her siblings who emigrated earlier. In those years, she met her husband, Michael Gay, at a wedding and their extraordinary love story began after Michael drove Nicole and her sister home from that wedding.

Shortly after they married, Nicole and Michael moved to Omaha, Nebraska for Michael’s job as a civil engineer and to start their family. Throughout his career, Nicole was steadfast in her support of his work, willing to move time and time again as he transitioned from one infrastructure project to the next. Nicole was a French teacher until she gave birth to her first and favorite child, Roxane at which time she brought her immense talents to the domestic front. Three years later, she welcomed her favorite child, Joel into the world, and five years after that she welcomed her favorite child, Michael Jr. who, at 42, is still “the baby.”

Though she could have accomplished absolutely anything, she chose to apply her ferocious intelligence and fierce ambition to raising her children and said, regularly, that she never once regretted that decision. Her time and efforts were well-spent because her children would eventually become a university professor and best-selling author, the youngest Black CEO of a Fortune 500 company, and a civil engineer and COO. More importantly, she raised children who are (most of the time) kind, well-mannered, generous and good.

In her parenting, Nicole was firm and strict but loving and attentive. She believed in the importance of education and always expected excellence. Much to their youthful chagrin, she assigned her children projects to augment the homework they brought home from school. She spent countless hours working with them on reading and civics and algebra and more. Nicole had a real talent for sewing and for years, made all of her children’s clothing. She ferried the kids to all manner of athletics and after school activities, nurtured their interests and hobbies, and introduced them to a broad range of cultural experiences. She always listened to their chatter as if they were interesting (even when they were not) and worthy of being heard.

As a devout Catholic, Nicole imparted the importance of faith to her children but always reminded them that God is a god of love and that they were made in his or her image. She raised her children to believe they had every right to live in the world, proudly as Haitian Americans. She defended them with all her might when circumstances called for her protection and she held them to account for their missteps. Though she was not particularly demonstrative, everyone who was loved by her knew, without a doubt, how deeply she loved them. When her children grew up and into themselves, no one was prouder of their accomplishments except, perhaps, her husband.

Nicole commanded respect from everyone she ever met. She had impeccable taste and style and carried herself with a regal air. She went to the beauty salon every week to keep her hair freshly styled and her manicure on point. She loved beautiful handbags and unique shoes and dressed to impress, always. Nicole never met a Marshalls or T.J. Maxx or Tuesday Morning that she didn’t want to visit. She was fastidious about cleanliness and believed that la propreté est un luxe. She was stubborn and walked improbably fast. If you told her to hurry, she immediately committed to doing the opposite. She loved to talk and had a wonderful sense of humor. She didn’t give children stuffed animals because she believed doing so encouraged them to ignore the dangers of wild animals. She was very, very opinionated and consistently refused to smile when posing for photographs. Indeed, to catch her smiling, you had to employ a photographic sneak attack. Nicole dedicated time to helping new immigrants acclimate to the United States and through that work, forged friendships that spanned decades. She nurtured a love of exploration and with her husband Michael, traveled all around the world. She was an avid photographer, often seen carrying a camera that seemed larger than her.

Refusing to smile. Absolutely refusing.

Sneak camera attack. Look! She can smile!

An insatiable curiosity compelled Nicole to read voraciously and she often astonished her family with the depth and breadth of her knowledge about the glorious range of subjects that interested her—from science and medicine to architecture and art to politics to celebrity gossip. Nicole never met a church or cathedral she didn’t want to visit and held a deep appreciation of the beauty found in sacred spaces. She spoke four languages and was always trying to expand her linguistic abilities. Spending the night in a luxurious hotel room was as close to camping as Nicole ever hoped to be. She loved Willie Nelson and Julio Iglesias and Marc Anthony and Vicente Fernández. She delighted in ridiculous reality television and French television dramas and Emily In Paris and Yellowstone.

She believed in making a beautiful home for her family and was a consummate host. She set an exquisite table, with everything in its proper place. She loved fine china with classic designs and delicate crystal stemware and heavy silverware she polished fastidiously. She loved Calla lilies and birds of paradise and long-stemmed red roses, but disdained of any floral fillers. She always kept fresh flowers in her home, arranged in beautiful vases, and also disdained of plastic flowers. She loved gardening and tended to her plants with genuine care.

A year before she was diagnosed with cancer, Nicole put her husband Michael, who was already capable of being an adult, through a bootcamp on how to run a proper household so if something happened to her, he would remarry for love, not necessity. At the time, her family was bewildered and bemused but her prescience was… uncanny. Of course, she also said, she was leaving behind five bodyguards to protect her memory which they will, forever.

Still refusing to smile

Just before the COVID-19 pandemic began, Nicole was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer despite never smoking, or drinking alcohol and having very strong opinions about the scourge of marijuana. The news was a shock, but she immediately decided the cancer was none of her business and proceeded accordingly. She was able to enjoy five active years with her family by virtue of excellent treatment and immunotherapy and though that treatment was, at times, difficult, she was uncomplaining despite circumstances that were absolutely worthy of complaint. She would not want to be called a warrior or a hero though she was, in fact, both of those things.

The last four months of her life were marked by a strange combination of ailments and inexplicable, seemingly disparate symptoms. By the time her medical team was able to diagnose what was going on, it was, devastatingly, too late. After a mercifully brief but acute decline, Nicole passed away surrounded by her surviving children and their spouses, her grandchildren, her sister Astrid, her sister-in-law Marcelle, her daughter-in law Kathy, her granddog Maximus Toretto Blueberry, close friends, and, of course, Michael Sr., who was by her side through it all. Words are inadequate to express the depth of love her family and friends have for Nicole. She was a firebrand with a tender heart and an iron will. She is missed already. While her loss is incalculable, her memory is a blessing now and always.