LESSONS FOR SURVIVAL starts with Emily Raboteau attending the baby shower for her first child. Instead of gifts, she asks guests to bring parenting advice, even those who don’t have children. If you’re a parent, what piece of advice have you received that stuck with you? What insights would you pass along to a new mother? If you aren’t a parent, what words of wisdom would you give? Looking back on your childhood, what would you have wished the adults around you understood? And how do we think of parenting and parenting advice against the backdrop of global warming?
I was raised to believe that babies could be "spoiled" if you responded to them "too much," if you held them "too much," if you didn’t leave them to cry themselves to sleep. I was raised to believe that this training in self-sufficiency should begin early. So when I shared with an older, wiser Black mother I knew from an online group that my 4-month-old could not fall asleep without me and wanted me around the clock, and that I was worried that she was becoming "too dependent," this mother said, "She's supposed to be dependent. She's a baby. And if you continue responding to her needs, she will learn that the world is a safe place and she will grow toward independence when she's supposed to. And then, you will nurture her independence." So the best, most life-changing parenting advice I ever got was to nurture my baby's dependency and then nurture her independence when she was ready to fly.
The one piece of advice or, perhaps wisdom my mother shared with me about parenting is that you can never love a child too much. That has stayed with me over the years.
Becoming a parent is more about reparenting yourself than parenting your kid. Kids are little mirrors that reflect back a lot of stuff you wish you didn't have to see about yourself. Let it change you for the better.
Listen when your child is talking to you about purple toy cars and other childhood minutia. This will make it more likely that they will talk to you about their lives when they're in their teens and beyond.
That my partner will not be my village. Only a part of it. Today, we put so much emphasis on our partners to be the entire village because the actual "village," (childcare, home support, education, therapy, etc etc) only exists if you have the resources to pay for it.
In the light of global warming and climate change, the community we surround ourselves with impact our children and their perspectives, curiosities, and understanding of the world around us. So while our partners cannot be the entire village, the ones we create matter intensely.
Learn to apologise to your kids when you get it wrong. Learn to hold the line, in the face of extreme pressure (from your kids) when needed. They will negotiate harder than you because they care about that ONE THING with their whole being, and you’ve got a lot of other stuff to handle.
I was told when my kid was a baby that they will need me as much when they're a teenager. And that stuck with me because we talk so much about the early years. But planning to have more flexibility in my schedule during their teenage years has been a real gift. Just being around, which was a privilege I had, made it possible to be there after a tough day at school or elsewhere.
Say "Yes" as much as is reasonably possible. You are your child's parent, not their friend. Remember that. It is not cruel to ask a child to conform to reasonable behavior in public. If they are with other people, they need to behave appropriately (after the age of five or so.) I should ask my exceptionally wonderful grown children what they think!
Offer your children as much opportunity as you can to the outdoors and communicate to them the vastness of relationship. To the non-human world, ancestors, those around you now, and to descendants. Help them to know their ability to take up space in that web and that others can do the same.
One piece of advice that stuck with me was from a book, which pointed out that when calculating your child's dairy intake for the day, to make sure it is sufficient, it is fine and good to count ICE CREAM. That seemed so friendly! The best insight I could pass on to a new mother would be to start her children doing housework really, really young, when they still think it's a game and they still want to do whatever you do. And secondly, I would pass on the advice to be as mild as possible in your parenting, never harsh. And to be aware of any patterns/habits you are falling into as a parent. Those autopilot patterns are to be avoided, I think. I wish I could be as good a parent and I could tell other people to be. Parenting teaches parents more than it teaches kids.
You're probably going to lose friends. Not that they won't still like you and think highly of you, but people without children will assume that you can't make their parties or get-togethers and they won't all be up for hanging out with you and a newborn all the time. Being the parent of a newborn is hard work and it is lonely. But the good news is that other people will be going through the same thing as you are and you will find a new community if you look for it. Join all the mother groups that you can. Commiserate, be honest, remember that you are more than a mother. Others will want that to be your entire identity, but you're still you. Motherhood is part of you, but it doesn't define you. Take your baby to the ER if you're worried, trust your instincts, prepare to be wrong and still trust yourself, prepare to be right and still move forward. You'll need help and it's okay to ask for it and to also not ask for it. Advocate for yourself. If a doctor doesn't listen to you, get another doctor. Feed yourself both food and comfort. You don't have to breastfeed to be a good parent. Talk to your baby all the time. Read to them and yourself. Everyone needs sunscreen. Do your best to make kind choices for the environment, but know that this world is not designed for you to do so. Take antidepressants if you need them. Know that each stage of baby development doesn't last forever, so treasure them or endure them the best you can. It's okay if your house and your head are a little messy. Both are normal. You are normal. Good luck and enjoy the baby snuggles!
A few years ago my adult kids told me how much they appreciated they way I mothered and I'd tell others to do the same. I held nonjudgmental space for them to unfold into their whole selves. I held no projections or expectations for them to be anything other than who they know themselves to be. I also held space for all of their emotions instead of forcing them to repress for my comfort. They said they know and like themselves better than most of their peers. What I know is that they feel safe to be who they are with me and to tell me anything. I think providing safety to be oneself is the most important piece of parenting because I didn't have it myself and developed Complex PTSD as a result.
Hear, hear, to all the above. The mother is the secure place which allows trust to form. Take a nap with baby. They won’t need you to go to college with them. Love them, nurture them, fill their love cup everyday. I hear patents complain the children are behaving at school but fall apart at home. They have been holding it together all day and feel safe at home with mom. Don’t punish them for needing love refilled. 🦕
Give yourself grace. If yoy are a fiest time parent, OBVIOUSLY you're not going to know everything. Parenting is a learning process for the REST of your life and in each stage you learn as you go. I beat myself up sooo much with my first kid because of all the chatter around me about what I "should" be doing. Also, take people up on their offers to help. You need all the positive support you can get❤
That getting on their level, literally and figuratively, will solve most problems. And if it ends up in a tantrum, you're going to need to be on the floor with them anyway. So at least you're already there.
Also, the formula "do you need attention?" + a hug, when they are doing something they know they shouldn't be doing. Negative attention seeking is a bid for attention and affection.
I always give the same two pieces of advice in these situations:
1. Let them be bored
2. Let them fail
I do not have or want children, but I think these are simple guideposts that have become less and less common in child rearing, yet yield enormous opportunities for growth in young people.
Because I was a motherless child, I learned parenting skills from books. I wish I’d spent more time with other mothers just chatting about parenting. No internet when my mid-forties children were in my care.
I began joint custody of my children when they were 5 and 7. Therefore, I was physically with them 50% of the time. They had to navigate two homes, value systems, stepfamilies and lifestyles for most of their lives. It was difficult for me—their dad was emotionally and financially abusive to me—however, I had to take many deep breaths and remember how difficult it was for them and create a loving, positive environment and hold back from sinking to their father’s level for them as much as I could.
I raised free thinkers and their worldviews are now different from mine or their father’s (he died when they were young adults). As a parent of adult children who are parenting, I support them as much as possible when they ask. It feels good that they often ask.
Hold your baby , carry your baby . Let the baby snuggle and sleep beside you. Reduce your tasks
per day as much as you can. A lot of our frustration comes from wanting x to be done at y time but kids don’t follow that clock .If you get only one thing done per day it’s enough and none at all is ok.
Sing from your heart through your day and just let things flow and what not done today can be done tomorrow. Just soak it in , the mess , the Roblox conversations , the smile , the baby talk. It is a beautiful time not to be rushed not to be finished nor gotten quickly over . It already goes so fast . The days seem long but really the years are short. Reduce all other expectations and just soak in this moment .
One of the best advice I ever got was not to make life changing decisions about your partner or couple or marriage or whatever relationship status you have during this time as none of you are thinking right.
(Let’s be clear here we are not talking about a relationship that was already bad or where there’s abuse or life threatening issues )
Here I am assuming a healthy loving relationship but even with that, your partner doing 50% of the tasks might still feel like it’s not enough so please don’t fight your partner about tasks , they must do their part but also remember it can be all so overwhelming for them too. You and your partner will feel you are doing 100% all the time and that can lead to some arguments. Remember this too shall pass.
You need a village , build your circle ; so have a good midwife , a cool mum you vibe with in the park, a couple of older well meaning parents .good friends you can have a coffee with when sleep deprived. If possible your parents and siblings , I know family can be complicated at times but if it’s possible and desirable this period could create a new bond with your parents and siblings.
Walk every single day because you need the sunlight and baby will sleep. Be that warm place for baby and block out every harsh parenting advice. You will find that you are much more healed within from whatever trauma you have buried. You will emerge as a much more loving and relaxed person, the more you are intentionally that way to the baby.
We heal most by giving and being for others what we lacked.
Remember, you are not the first mom to walk the world so don’t get all stressed trying to reinvent the wheel or doubting your capacities , remember others have done it well and you will and can do it well.The vibe is chill and soaking it in.
Finally , If you need mental help or have dark thoughts about self harm or harming anyone don’t be ashamed, fatigue and sleep deprivation can do that to you , you are not mad. Speak to your village , speak to people you can trust and get help .
Frame yourself honestly when speaking to your kids, only speaking in a question if it's really a question - for example, if you say, "Will you hang up your coat," they should be able to say "no," so if that's not what you intend, then say, "Hang up your coat."
It seems like the more children someone has (or has experience with), the less sure or definitive their advice is, so keep that in mind, trust your best instincts and know that very little works for all kids and parents! Except that you get to love them and be in their corner, and boxed mac and cheese is so salty that it's the one time you do not need to salt the pasta water.
If you're having a child so you can be taken care of in your elder years, you're in for a shock. Children shouldn't be born to be their parents servants.
Growing up we were told that we were adopted so that we could help out around the house and take care of our parents when they got old. Trust me when I say that led to resentment and that I live 6000 miles from my parents who are 80+.
When a child has something to share with you, listen to and engage with them. Failure to do this means they'll stop coming to you with things to share.
When a child tells you something, believe them. Failure to do this means the child will feel judged when they come to you with something.
Don't force your child to smile so you can have happy family optics.
Dont doubt or question your child's abilities, especially to their face.
Don't force your child into a career or life path to fit your needs rather than theirs.
I have a nephew (8 y/o) and three nieces (8, 4 and 2). I live down the street from the 8 year old niece and nephew and I have the joy of seeing them practically on a daily basis. I have learned that when a child looks to you for guidance, support and affection be ready to go all in because it is a privilege and an honor to earn their trust and confidence. Be ready to answer the big questions, be ready to be challenged, be ready to learn from them and be grateful for everything that comes with it.
Can we normalize showers for caregivers? I am blown away by the amount of support and information new parents get but I was in my early 40s when a whole new kind of baby arrived in my life in the form of my aging father. Who would attend that party and what kind of gifts should I be asking for including the solicited advice?
It depends on the age. When they're kids, they need parents. They have lots of friends who are their age but lack the perspective and wisdom that parents can have (if they are willing to learn and grow.) Their friends can't be their parents, and you should not be their friends at that age. You will need to hold the line, set boundaries, lots of things that friends at that age don't do. Of course, you should always treat your children at any age as you would your friends -- with respect, courtesy, support, love. But yes, when they become adults, they can be friends as well as being your children. My mother said that I was her best friend when she was in her 80s. I don't call my amazing adult children my friends, but our relationships have many of the same attributes of trust, appreciation, laughter, support. And I and my children have friends of many ages, from young children to very old people, so we all know that age is not a defining characteristic of a friend. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with your family, old and young.
The most valuable parenting advice was what I realized myself -- with the help of authors including Judith Rich Harris, Steven Pinker, Malcolm Gladwell and renowned child development expert Alison Gopnik -- that the idea that you can get your child to become X with parenting method Y is largely a cultural myth based on extremely flawed "parenting" research. The research looks at what families do and draws conclusions about the effect of the parents' actions, without taking into account, or controlling for, the influence of genes. Many responsible parents will raise responsible kids -- not necessarily because the parent is having family dinners every night, but just as likely (if not more so) because the kids inherit responsibility genes from their parents. Children whose parents read to them may grow up enjoying and being skilled at reading because of that experience ... or because parents who read to their kids are likely to be readers themselves and have passed along those genes (and have houses full of books) The studies that can best make claims for the effectiveness of a parenting technique are those that focus on twins (as the University of Minnesota has) and adoptees (as the University of Colorado has) don't find that parents' actions have a ton of influence -- while nurture, or experience, accounts for about half of the way kids "turn out," it's not necessarily their parents' actions as much as their environments: what kind of neighborhood they live in, what schools they go to, what their peers value, etc. Longitudinal studies can be more accurate, too. But much "parenting" advice is based on research that doesn't necessarily prove what the advice says it does.
Your children look up to you and admire you, so don't forget to continue to nurture you, and all the creative, meaningful, interesting things you do (work, career, creative pursuits, friendships etc.) I find many of my coworkers are just "I'm a mother." and that's the end of their story. I'm also finding a lot of women who have accomplished truly great things and are really people who are awe inspiring world leaders in their fields still billboard and lead with "mom" in their bios. Why? That's a lot of pressure to put on a kid to be your one and only big shining achievement in life. Also (secondary advice in the obvs category): it's expensive. If you don't have a support system (like good parents and a good partner) you will need to have more money. I"m NOT judging single moms --- some of my best friends are and my first two roommates were, I support all women in their choices and these are our bodies, but since this is about 'insights for a new mother' and since I decided to not have children because I am poor and don't have parents, I do find it a bit hard to understand people who have kids and then complain about how expensive it is. I find that 'triggering' as the kids say (well as everyone says now.)
Great questions. About to self-publish a book of essays called Mothering as Legacy that are my insights as a Latina mom raising twins in a world full of inequity. Let children be children- don't force them to be mini-adults. And give them age-appropriate structure that is both firm and kind.
Someone once told me that we make a mistake when parenting our children by giving them what we needed - not their needs. I wanted to my daughter to realize that she was the priority at all times; that no other relationship was as or more important. That's what I needed – my mother left me at six weeks old. My grandmother was loving and one of the best people you'd ever meet. I still felt abandoned. I worried that my child would feel the same way. It took me years to realize that she didn't because that wasn't her reality. ... Also, listen to them. Your child will tell you everything you need to know. From their cries to their laughs to their random musings, you'll learn about what soothes them or has been on their mind.
I'm a step-mother. Don't repeatedly say 'Be careful' - my mother always said this and it took years to lose the fear instilled. Instead, as they climb a tree higher and higher say 'remember to test the branches will take your weight '. Then hold your breath, don't burden them with your anxieties about them.
No matter how strong your partnership, you will fight in that first year. Even if you’d had a lovely, easy relationship before, you WILL fight that first year. It’s ok. You’re deeply tired, it can be very scary to have an infant, there are just tons of brand new stressors, and PPD can also happen. It’s ok. You will fight, but it’s ok. If you can, have someone take the baby overnight so you can both shower, sleep, and just hang together.
(1) Say Yes if you can. (2) Give it to your kids straight. They can read you better than anyone (their existence depends on it), so will know if you're not anyway. (3) Dance with them early and often.
Babies, toddlers, tweens, young adults: the biggest gift you can give is your undivided attention. No amount of toys, technology, or fancy schools will ever make up for 1:1 time spent together. We are a species that craves nurture, love, and attention. Quality, focused time with your child throughout their lifespan is worth more than anything else in this world.
To any new parent of any gender: Listen. Keep trying to listen. Take another breath and let the silence hang there and keep listening. Then process what you have heard carefully - children don't communicate clearly, how can they? Listening to a child means watching their body language too. Listening is an act of love.
Advice that stuck with me: you don't always get to enjoy parenting. You will not enjoy a lot of it.
What I wished the adults around me would have understood: they could have argued or worked difficulties out in front of me. They did not, so I never learned how have a thoughtful disagreement with anyone. And I didn't learn how to state my case, or stick up for myself.
Babies aren't robots. Variability is normal. Sometimes they are hungrier and eat more, sometimes they are less hungry and eat less. Same for nap and probably everything else. You can do your best to set up routines and consistency, but the rest is up to them. We had feeding struggles early on and I have to remind myself of this all the time.
I always tell people that although all the advice you receive is overwhelming to keep your ears open to all of it. You never know when that one gem will be shared with you and help you out!
I also tell people to do what THEY think is in their child’s best interest! (Not what their friends, relatives, or own parents say to do. Again, input is fine but you are the caretaker of that child!)
My mother used to tell me that I'd "understand everything once I had kids of my own." That moment never came. Nor did the motherly advice I had hoped for. Instead, she barely showed up to visit her grandchildren. When she did, she appeared kerfluffled about car seats, tummy time, and reading to my boys. But, if I were to give advice, I'd say trust your gut and ask for help when you don't. Find a partner who supports you.
I struggled with this chapter. It all seemed very precious and overconfident to me. I forgive it because she was a first time mom and we're all precious and overconfident right before that first baby is born, but I'm not really sure I saw any wisdom in that chapter that didn't sound very vague and general.
If there are any first time moms to be in this discussion, here's some advice I would've wanted: Ask for diapers and doordash/instacart/whatever gift cards at your baby shower. Other moms will understand. Even if you're rich, you're not going to have the time for a while. The sleep deprivation is *real*. And don't fuss about trying to be perfect and don't judge other moms. You might need them later.
When you're making a bed for a child put down a waterproof sheet, a fitted sheet, another waterproof sheet and another fitted sheet. The last thing you want to do in the middle of the night when the bed is covered in bodily fluids is have to find clean sheets and remake the bed. Strip off the first set of sheets and you have an instantly clean space.
First, I adore this question because there is never enough parenting advice. It will not always apply to YOUR child or to how you are comfortable being a parent in the world. And some of it is just bizarre enough to work, so bring it ALL on.
The thing I always say to parents who are struggling is that at every stage, something will get easier while something else gets harder. There is no escape from hard as a parent, but there is relief from certain types of hard.
And the thing I wish I was told and am just now starting to explore is what I'm sure someone else has already called "conscious parenting." That is to say I'm not just a reactive blob lobbing instinctive but often impulsive reactions at my kid and calling it parenting, but taking an intentional second to process if the way I show up to this moment is really what I want her to see, hear, learn, feel, internalize, repeat, etc. And then when I F-it up, because that will inevitably happen, and I will not show up even close to anything I want her to remember, I apologize with specificity. This takes an enormous amount of my energy, but its payoff in the relationship between my daughter and myself and between myself and myself has been significant.
I was raised to believe that babies could be "spoiled" if you responded to them "too much," if you held them "too much," if you didn’t leave them to cry themselves to sleep. I was raised to believe that this training in self-sufficiency should begin early. So when I shared with an older, wiser Black mother I knew from an online group that my 4-month-old could not fall asleep without me and wanted me around the clock, and that I was worried that she was becoming "too dependent," this mother said, "She's supposed to be dependent. She's a baby. And if you continue responding to her needs, she will learn that the world is a safe place and she will grow toward independence when she's supposed to. And then, you will nurture her independence." So the best, most life-changing parenting advice I ever got was to nurture my baby's dependency and then nurture her independence when she was ready to fly.
The one piece of advice or, perhaps wisdom my mother shared with me about parenting is that you can never love a child too much. That has stayed with me over the years.
I don't have children but I am loving this conversation!
Becoming a parent is more about reparenting yourself than parenting your kid. Kids are little mirrors that reflect back a lot of stuff you wish you didn't have to see about yourself. Let it change you for the better.
Listen when your child is talking to you about purple toy cars and other childhood minutia. This will make it more likely that they will talk to you about their lives when they're in their teens and beyond.
That my partner will not be my village. Only a part of it. Today, we put so much emphasis on our partners to be the entire village because the actual "village," (childcare, home support, education, therapy, etc etc) only exists if you have the resources to pay for it.
In the light of global warming and climate change, the community we surround ourselves with impact our children and their perspectives, curiosities, and understanding of the world around us. So while our partners cannot be the entire village, the ones we create matter intensely.
Learn to apologise to your kids when you get it wrong. Learn to hold the line, in the face of extreme pressure (from your kids) when needed. They will negotiate harder than you because they care about that ONE THING with their whole being, and you’ve got a lot of other stuff to handle.
I was told when my kid was a baby that they will need me as much when they're a teenager. And that stuck with me because we talk so much about the early years. But planning to have more flexibility in my schedule during their teenage years has been a real gift. Just being around, which was a privilege I had, made it possible to be there after a tough day at school or elsewhere.
Say "Yes" as much as is reasonably possible. You are your child's parent, not their friend. Remember that. It is not cruel to ask a child to conform to reasonable behavior in public. If they are with other people, they need to behave appropriately (after the age of five or so.) I should ask my exceptionally wonderful grown children what they think!
Offer your children as much opportunity as you can to the outdoors and communicate to them the vastness of relationship. To the non-human world, ancestors, those around you now, and to descendants. Help them to know their ability to take up space in that web and that others can do the same.
One piece of advice that stuck with me was from a book, which pointed out that when calculating your child's dairy intake for the day, to make sure it is sufficient, it is fine and good to count ICE CREAM. That seemed so friendly! The best insight I could pass on to a new mother would be to start her children doing housework really, really young, when they still think it's a game and they still want to do whatever you do. And secondly, I would pass on the advice to be as mild as possible in your parenting, never harsh. And to be aware of any patterns/habits you are falling into as a parent. Those autopilot patterns are to be avoided, I think. I wish I could be as good a parent and I could tell other people to be. Parenting teaches parents more than it teaches kids.
You're probably going to lose friends. Not that they won't still like you and think highly of you, but people without children will assume that you can't make their parties or get-togethers and they won't all be up for hanging out with you and a newborn all the time. Being the parent of a newborn is hard work and it is lonely. But the good news is that other people will be going through the same thing as you are and you will find a new community if you look for it. Join all the mother groups that you can. Commiserate, be honest, remember that you are more than a mother. Others will want that to be your entire identity, but you're still you. Motherhood is part of you, but it doesn't define you. Take your baby to the ER if you're worried, trust your instincts, prepare to be wrong and still trust yourself, prepare to be right and still move forward. You'll need help and it's okay to ask for it and to also not ask for it. Advocate for yourself. If a doctor doesn't listen to you, get another doctor. Feed yourself both food and comfort. You don't have to breastfeed to be a good parent. Talk to your baby all the time. Read to them and yourself. Everyone needs sunscreen. Do your best to make kind choices for the environment, but know that this world is not designed for you to do so. Take antidepressants if you need them. Know that each stage of baby development doesn't last forever, so treasure them or endure them the best you can. It's okay if your house and your head are a little messy. Both are normal. You are normal. Good luck and enjoy the baby snuggles!
You aren’t raising a child. You’re raising a future adult.
A few years ago my adult kids told me how much they appreciated they way I mothered and I'd tell others to do the same. I held nonjudgmental space for them to unfold into their whole selves. I held no projections or expectations for them to be anything other than who they know themselves to be. I also held space for all of their emotions instead of forcing them to repress for my comfort. They said they know and like themselves better than most of their peers. What I know is that they feel safe to be who they are with me and to tell me anything. I think providing safety to be oneself is the most important piece of parenting because I didn't have it myself and developed Complex PTSD as a result.
Hear, hear, to all the above. The mother is the secure place which allows trust to form. Take a nap with baby. They won’t need you to go to college with them. Love them, nurture them, fill their love cup everyday. I hear patents complain the children are behaving at school but fall apart at home. They have been holding it together all day and feel safe at home with mom. Don’t punish them for needing love refilled. 🦕
"A child seldom needs a good talking to, but instead a good listening to" - Robert Brault
Give yourself grace. If yoy are a fiest time parent, OBVIOUSLY you're not going to know everything. Parenting is a learning process for the REST of your life and in each stage you learn as you go. I beat myself up sooo much with my first kid because of all the chatter around me about what I "should" be doing. Also, take people up on their offers to help. You need all the positive support you can get❤
That getting on their level, literally and figuratively, will solve most problems. And if it ends up in a tantrum, you're going to need to be on the floor with them anyway. So at least you're already there.
Also, the formula "do you need attention?" + a hug, when they are doing something they know they shouldn't be doing. Negative attention seeking is a bid for attention and affection.
I always give the same two pieces of advice in these situations:
1. Let them be bored
2. Let them fail
I do not have or want children, but I think these are simple guideposts that have become less and less common in child rearing, yet yield enormous opportunities for growth in young people.
Because I was a motherless child, I learned parenting skills from books. I wish I’d spent more time with other mothers just chatting about parenting. No internet when my mid-forties children were in my care.
I began joint custody of my children when they were 5 and 7. Therefore, I was physically with them 50% of the time. They had to navigate two homes, value systems, stepfamilies and lifestyles for most of their lives. It was difficult for me—their dad was emotionally and financially abusive to me—however, I had to take many deep breaths and remember how difficult it was for them and create a loving, positive environment and hold back from sinking to their father’s level for them as much as I could.
I raised free thinkers and their worldviews are now different from mine or their father’s (he died when they were young adults). As a parent of adult children who are parenting, I support them as much as possible when they ask. It feels good that they often ask.
Hold your baby , carry your baby . Let the baby snuggle and sleep beside you. Reduce your tasks
per day as much as you can. A lot of our frustration comes from wanting x to be done at y time but kids don’t follow that clock .If you get only one thing done per day it’s enough and none at all is ok.
Sing from your heart through your day and just let things flow and what not done today can be done tomorrow. Just soak it in , the mess , the Roblox conversations , the smile , the baby talk. It is a beautiful time not to be rushed not to be finished nor gotten quickly over . It already goes so fast . The days seem long but really the years are short. Reduce all other expectations and just soak in this moment .
One of the best advice I ever got was not to make life changing decisions about your partner or couple or marriage or whatever relationship status you have during this time as none of you are thinking right.
(Let’s be clear here we are not talking about a relationship that was already bad or where there’s abuse or life threatening issues )
Here I am assuming a healthy loving relationship but even with that, your partner doing 50% of the tasks might still feel like it’s not enough so please don’t fight your partner about tasks , they must do their part but also remember it can be all so overwhelming for them too. You and your partner will feel you are doing 100% all the time and that can lead to some arguments. Remember this too shall pass.
You need a village , build your circle ; so have a good midwife , a cool mum you vibe with in the park, a couple of older well meaning parents .good friends you can have a coffee with when sleep deprived. If possible your parents and siblings , I know family can be complicated at times but if it’s possible and desirable this period could create a new bond with your parents and siblings.
Walk every single day because you need the sunlight and baby will sleep. Be that warm place for baby and block out every harsh parenting advice. You will find that you are much more healed within from whatever trauma you have buried. You will emerge as a much more loving and relaxed person, the more you are intentionally that way to the baby.
We heal most by giving and being for others what we lacked.
Remember, you are not the first mom to walk the world so don’t get all stressed trying to reinvent the wheel or doubting your capacities , remember others have done it well and you will and can do it well.The vibe is chill and soaking it in.
Finally , If you need mental help or have dark thoughts about self harm or harming anyone don’t be ashamed, fatigue and sleep deprivation can do that to you , you are not mad. Speak to your village , speak to people you can trust and get help .
It gets better every day it really does .
Frame yourself honestly when speaking to your kids, only speaking in a question if it's really a question - for example, if you say, "Will you hang up your coat," they should be able to say "no," so if that's not what you intend, then say, "Hang up your coat."
It seems like the more children someone has (or has experience with), the less sure or definitive their advice is, so keep that in mind, trust your best instincts and know that very little works for all kids and parents! Except that you get to love them and be in their corner, and boxed mac and cheese is so salty that it's the one time you do not need to salt the pasta water.
If you're having a child so you can be taken care of in your elder years, you're in for a shock. Children shouldn't be born to be their parents servants.
Growing up we were told that we were adopted so that we could help out around the house and take care of our parents when they got old. Trust me when I say that led to resentment and that I live 6000 miles from my parents who are 80+.
When a child has something to share with you, listen to and engage with them. Failure to do this means they'll stop coming to you with things to share.
When a child tells you something, believe them. Failure to do this means the child will feel judged when they come to you with something.
Don't force your child to smile so you can have happy family optics.
Dont doubt or question your child's abilities, especially to their face.
Don't force your child into a career or life path to fit your needs rather than theirs.
I could go on.
I have a nephew (8 y/o) and three nieces (8, 4 and 2). I live down the street from the 8 year old niece and nephew and I have the joy of seeing them practically on a daily basis. I have learned that when a child looks to you for guidance, support and affection be ready to go all in because it is a privilege and an honor to earn their trust and confidence. Be ready to answer the big questions, be ready to be challenged, be ready to learn from them and be grateful for everything that comes with it.
Can we normalize showers for caregivers? I am blown away by the amount of support and information new parents get but I was in my early 40s when a whole new kind of baby arrived in my life in the form of my aging father. Who would attend that party and what kind of gifts should I be asking for including the solicited advice?
It depends on the age. When they're kids, they need parents. They have lots of friends who are their age but lack the perspective and wisdom that parents can have (if they are willing to learn and grow.) Their friends can't be their parents, and you should not be their friends at that age. You will need to hold the line, set boundaries, lots of things that friends at that age don't do. Of course, you should always treat your children at any age as you would your friends -- with respect, courtesy, support, love. But yes, when they become adults, they can be friends as well as being your children. My mother said that I was her best friend when she was in her 80s. I don't call my amazing adult children my friends, but our relationships have many of the same attributes of trust, appreciation, laughter, support. And I and my children have friends of many ages, from young children to very old people, so we all know that age is not a defining characteristic of a friend. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job with your family, old and young.
The most valuable parenting advice was what I realized myself -- with the help of authors including Judith Rich Harris, Steven Pinker, Malcolm Gladwell and renowned child development expert Alison Gopnik -- that the idea that you can get your child to become X with parenting method Y is largely a cultural myth based on extremely flawed "parenting" research. The research looks at what families do and draws conclusions about the effect of the parents' actions, without taking into account, or controlling for, the influence of genes. Many responsible parents will raise responsible kids -- not necessarily because the parent is having family dinners every night, but just as likely (if not more so) because the kids inherit responsibility genes from their parents. Children whose parents read to them may grow up enjoying and being skilled at reading because of that experience ... or because parents who read to their kids are likely to be readers themselves and have passed along those genes (and have houses full of books) The studies that can best make claims for the effectiveness of a parenting technique are those that focus on twins (as the University of Minnesota has) and adoptees (as the University of Colorado has) don't find that parents' actions have a ton of influence -- while nurture, or experience, accounts for about half of the way kids "turn out," it's not necessarily their parents' actions as much as their environments: what kind of neighborhood they live in, what schools they go to, what their peers value, etc. Longitudinal studies can be more accurate, too. But much "parenting" advice is based on research that doesn't necessarily prove what the advice says it does.
Your children look up to you and admire you, so don't forget to continue to nurture you, and all the creative, meaningful, interesting things you do (work, career, creative pursuits, friendships etc.) I find many of my coworkers are just "I'm a mother." and that's the end of their story. I'm also finding a lot of women who have accomplished truly great things and are really people who are awe inspiring world leaders in their fields still billboard and lead with "mom" in their bios. Why? That's a lot of pressure to put on a kid to be your one and only big shining achievement in life. Also (secondary advice in the obvs category): it's expensive. If you don't have a support system (like good parents and a good partner) you will need to have more money. I"m NOT judging single moms --- some of my best friends are and my first two roommates were, I support all women in their choices and these are our bodies, but since this is about 'insights for a new mother' and since I decided to not have children because I am poor and don't have parents, I do find it a bit hard to understand people who have kids and then complain about how expensive it is. I find that 'triggering' as the kids say (well as everyone says now.)
Great questions. About to self-publish a book of essays called Mothering as Legacy that are my insights as a Latina mom raising twins in a world full of inequity. Let children be children- don't force them to be mini-adults. And give them age-appropriate structure that is both firm and kind.
Someone once told me that we make a mistake when parenting our children by giving them what we needed - not their needs. I wanted to my daughter to realize that she was the priority at all times; that no other relationship was as or more important. That's what I needed – my mother left me at six weeks old. My grandmother was loving and one of the best people you'd ever meet. I still felt abandoned. I worried that my child would feel the same way. It took me years to realize that she didn't because that wasn't her reality. ... Also, listen to them. Your child will tell you everything you need to know. From their cries to their laughs to their random musings, you'll learn about what soothes them or has been on their mind.
My dad’s refrain: “you can’t spoil a baby.” ❤️
I'm a step-mother. Don't repeatedly say 'Be careful' - my mother always said this and it took years to lose the fear instilled. Instead, as they climb a tree higher and higher say 'remember to test the branches will take your weight '. Then hold your breath, don't burden them with your anxieties about them.
No matter how strong your partnership, you will fight in that first year. Even if you’d had a lovely, easy relationship before, you WILL fight that first year. It’s ok. You’re deeply tired, it can be very scary to have an infant, there are just tons of brand new stressors, and PPD can also happen. It’s ok. You will fight, but it’s ok. If you can, have someone take the baby overnight so you can both shower, sleep, and just hang together.
(1) Say Yes if you can. (2) Give it to your kids straight. They can read you better than anyone (their existence depends on it), so will know if you're not anyway. (3) Dance with them early and often.
Babies, toddlers, tweens, young adults: the biggest gift you can give is your undivided attention. No amount of toys, technology, or fancy schools will ever make up for 1:1 time spent together. We are a species that craves nurture, love, and attention. Quality, focused time with your child throughout their lifespan is worth more than anything else in this world.
To any new parent of any gender: Listen. Keep trying to listen. Take another breath and let the silence hang there and keep listening. Then process what you have heard carefully - children don't communicate clearly, how can they? Listening to a child means watching their body language too. Listening is an act of love.
Advice that stuck with me: you don't always get to enjoy parenting. You will not enjoy a lot of it.
What I wished the adults around me would have understood: they could have argued or worked difficulties out in front of me. They did not, so I never learned how have a thoughtful disagreement with anyone. And I didn't learn how to state my case, or stick up for myself.
Babies aren't robots. Variability is normal. Sometimes they are hungrier and eat more, sometimes they are less hungry and eat less. Same for nap and probably everything else. You can do your best to set up routines and consistency, but the rest is up to them. We had feeding struggles early on and I have to remind myself of this all the time.
I always tell people that although all the advice you receive is overwhelming to keep your ears open to all of it. You never know when that one gem will be shared with you and help you out!
I also tell people to do what THEY think is in their child’s best interest! (Not what their friends, relatives, or own parents say to do. Again, input is fine but you are the caretaker of that child!)
My mother used to tell me that I'd "understand everything once I had kids of my own." That moment never came. Nor did the motherly advice I had hoped for. Instead, she barely showed up to visit her grandchildren. When she did, she appeared kerfluffled about car seats, tummy time, and reading to my boys. But, if I were to give advice, I'd say trust your gut and ask for help when you don't. Find a partner who supports you.
I struggled with this chapter. It all seemed very precious and overconfident to me. I forgive it because she was a first time mom and we're all precious and overconfident right before that first baby is born, but I'm not really sure I saw any wisdom in that chapter that didn't sound very vague and general.
If there are any first time moms to be in this discussion, here's some advice I would've wanted: Ask for diapers and doordash/instacart/whatever gift cards at your baby shower. Other moms will understand. Even if you're rich, you're not going to have the time for a while. The sleep deprivation is *real*. And don't fuss about trying to be perfect and don't judge other moms. You might need them later.
When you're making a bed for a child put down a waterproof sheet, a fitted sheet, another waterproof sheet and another fitted sheet. The last thing you want to do in the middle of the night when the bed is covered in bodily fluids is have to find clean sheets and remake the bed. Strip off the first set of sheets and you have an instantly clean space.
First, I adore this question because there is never enough parenting advice. It will not always apply to YOUR child or to how you are comfortable being a parent in the world. And some of it is just bizarre enough to work, so bring it ALL on.
The thing I always say to parents who are struggling is that at every stage, something will get easier while something else gets harder. There is no escape from hard as a parent, but there is relief from certain types of hard.
And the thing I wish I was told and am just now starting to explore is what I'm sure someone else has already called "conscious parenting." That is to say I'm not just a reactive blob lobbing instinctive but often impulsive reactions at my kid and calling it parenting, but taking an intentional second to process if the way I show up to this moment is really what I want her to see, hear, learn, feel, internalize, repeat, etc. And then when I F-it up, because that will inevitably happen, and I will not show up even close to anything I want her to remember, I apologize with specificity. This takes an enormous amount of my energy, but its payoff in the relationship between my daughter and myself and between myself and myself has been significant.