My mum had to have a "guarantor" (ie her dad) when she bought a flat for herself as a single woman aged 35 in 1971. She'd been earning her own living since she was 16. It's not so long ago!
Love this! I'm married and can't believe how hard it still is for people that we have different last names. Even got a gift from our realtor with just my husband's last name on it (in 20 freaking 22!) even though she knew we had different last names. Still making women invisible in the 21st century!
Also: If we could stop making “marital status” an obligatory question on these forms, that would be great. You have my emergency contact’s name and telephone number; you don’t need to know their relationship to me. And if I’m asked one more time if my insurance is under my husband’s name(!!!), my head is probably going to explode. It’s 2023, FFS, so just stop it!
My first real job was in 1970 in a NYC municipal agency. As a male, marital status wasn’t relevant. As I learned, only unmarried females were hired, as they wouldn’t be having children. A married woman might become “damaged goods”, i.e. become pregnant and have to leave, necessitating training someone new.
People, especially younger generations, always need to be reminded of the history presented here, and how we arrived at today through the work of many determined activists.
Yes!!! I love how the focus is on questioning the norm and thinking critically about why we make the choice. I have had women tell me apologetically that they are taking a man's last name and I don't care! Do what is right for you! I just hope that everyone sees it as a choice and puts thought into it. I was born before my mom got married and I didn't change my name when I got married so when a form asks for my mother's maiden name and mine, its the same all the way through which I love.
My wife and I have been married for 23 years but it took a long time for people to stop asking both of us why she didn't change her name and did I mind that she didn't change her name... I've also had people assume that I'm Mr. <her-surname>... so deeply-ingrained is this assumption of married women adopting the husband's name! We got married at nearly 40 and we both had history invested in our own names so it made no sense for either of us to change -- and hyphenating names just seemed a bit pretentious (it makes more sense if one or both of you are publicly well-known I guess but even then...).
I live in Quebec, where, since 1976, one must retain the name you’re given at birth - no changing one’s name at the point of marriage! Women often use their married name socially, like on Facebook or insta, but legally are only recognized by their surname at birth. The only person I know who challenged the government for the right to change her name after marriage (and won) was a lesbian worried about travelling with her children in other countries with a different last name.
I love this piece. I changed my last name for several reasons, including the fact that it was a name people always made fun of. But I hate the term "maiden name." Thank you for this.
I can TOTALLY relate to this piece. I've been using three names since I got married many years ago. Of the three my middle name is the only one that somewhat belongs to me, because my papa gave it to me at birth (but he got it from his ancestors who had lost their real African names and were bestowed their master's last name. Ok that's another story)
When I came to the US from Haiti, no one could pronounce my first name, so a teacher decided I was going to be : Micki. Then I picked up my husband's last name Morency later on. Since I read this piece, I've wondered who am I? Why did I lose my name?
If I had to do it over, I'd cling to the name that is still on my birth certificate and insist that I be called by it.
I had someone who I thought was a good friend send a wedding invite for her second marriage to "Mr. and Mrs. Husbandfirstname Husbandlastname"-- she has known me for 25 years and I have always had the same name. We are the same age. I've been erased and by my friend. It's mind-boggling.
I’m 54 and married almost 24 years. I did not change my name. You captured the reasons so clearly. It is MY NAME. I know I am fortunate to not have had much blow back. I think I’m friends with all of the small but mighty number of married women in town who kept their names. 😂
Thank you for capturing such important ideas in such a profound and accessible way.
23 years later and I still regret changing my last name. Newest reason is to get the new required ID I have to provide all marriage licenses and divorce papers for anytime my name changed. It's not enough that my current license has my name on it or my passport does I must provide marriage and divorce papers to be legitimate and receive the now required identification! For FS it's 2023!
My mum had to have a "guarantor" (ie her dad) when she bought a flat for herself as a single woman aged 35 in 1971. She'd been earning her own living since she was 16. It's not so long ago!
Love this! I'm married and can't believe how hard it still is for people that we have different last names. Even got a gift from our realtor with just my husband's last name on it (in 20 freaking 22!) even though she knew we had different last names. Still making women invisible in the 21st century!
OMFG, **this**!!!
Also: If we could stop making “marital status” an obligatory question on these forms, that would be great. You have my emergency contact’s name and telephone number; you don’t need to know their relationship to me. And if I’m asked one more time if my insurance is under my husband’s name(!!!), my head is probably going to explode. It’s 2023, FFS, so just stop it!
My first real job was in 1970 in a NYC municipal agency. As a male, marital status wasn’t relevant. As I learned, only unmarried females were hired, as they wouldn’t be having children. A married woman might become “damaged goods”, i.e. become pregnant and have to leave, necessitating training someone new.
People, especially younger generations, always need to be reminded of the history presented here, and how we arrived at today through the work of many determined activists.
Love this! when i got married i got so many questions " so what's your new name" to which i responded the same as it is now. haha
Loved this piece.
Yes!!! I love how the focus is on questioning the norm and thinking critically about why we make the choice. I have had women tell me apologetically that they are taking a man's last name and I don't care! Do what is right for you! I just hope that everyone sees it as a choice and puts thought into it. I was born before my mom got married and I didn't change my name when I got married so when a form asks for my mother's maiden name and mine, its the same all the way through which I love.
My wife and I have been married for 23 years but it took a long time for people to stop asking both of us why she didn't change her name and did I mind that she didn't change her name... I've also had people assume that I'm Mr. <her-surname>... so deeply-ingrained is this assumption of married women adopting the husband's name! We got married at nearly 40 and we both had history invested in our own names so it made no sense for either of us to change -- and hyphenating names just seemed a bit pretentious (it makes more sense if one or both of you are publicly well-known I guess but even then...).
I live in Quebec, where, since 1976, one must retain the name you’re given at birth - no changing one’s name at the point of marriage! Women often use their married name socially, like on Facebook or insta, but legally are only recognized by their surname at birth. The only person I know who challenged the government for the right to change her name after marriage (and won) was a lesbian worried about travelling with her children in other countries with a different last name.
I love this piece. I changed my last name for several reasons, including the fact that it was a name people always made fun of. But I hate the term "maiden name." Thank you for this.
I can TOTALLY relate to this piece. I've been using three names since I got married many years ago. Of the three my middle name is the only one that somewhat belongs to me, because my papa gave it to me at birth (but he got it from his ancestors who had lost their real African names and were bestowed their master's last name. Ok that's another story)
When I came to the US from Haiti, no one could pronounce my first name, so a teacher decided I was going to be : Micki. Then I picked up my husband's last name Morency later on. Since I read this piece, I've wondered who am I? Why did I lose my name?
If I had to do it over, I'd cling to the name that is still on my birth certificate and insist that I be called by it.
I had someone who I thought was a good friend send a wedding invite for her second marriage to "Mr. and Mrs. Husbandfirstname Husbandlastname"-- she has known me for 25 years and I have always had the same name. We are the same age. I've been erased and by my friend. It's mind-boggling.
I’m 54 and married almost 24 years. I did not change my name. You captured the reasons so clearly. It is MY NAME. I know I am fortunate to not have had much blow back. I think I’m friends with all of the small but mighty number of married women in town who kept their names. 😂
Thank you for capturing such important ideas in such a profound and accessible way.
23 years later and I still regret changing my last name. Newest reason is to get the new required ID I have to provide all marriage licenses and divorce papers for anytime my name changed. It's not enough that my current license has my name on it or my passport does I must provide marriage and divorce papers to be legitimate and receive the now required identification! For FS it's 2023!
Love this! Will share it with my gender and communication course I teach next fall. Well done!
Thank you soooo much for this. Always love reading your panels. Yes, there is indeed much work to be done.