As a recovering people pleaser (lmao not sure how much I’ve recovered), I felt the subplot about Katherine showing up to court for Kitty quite acutely!
I have to say, this part of the book felt too extreme to me. I understand about people pleasing, and I’ve done my share, but would even an extreme people pleaser not ask more questions of Kitty? I’d be like, “Details, please! More details!”
The older I get the less I’m a pleaser. I was exhausted for a couple years very recently by parents who were truly truly in need; I wasn’t pleasing them, I was doing my duty out of love for them in their last years. Now, if someone wants me to do something and it feels inconvenient and a little unreasonable, I’m just NOPE. And it feels fine.
I still enjoy helping when I can, when it’s someone I like. It needs to feel balanced. That just feels like being a decent human.
When I was fifteen I began to drink obsessively. Holiday billboards advertising rum warned people "Think before you drink." I'd say to myself "I do think before I drink. I think I'd like a bottomless rum and Coke." One of my favorite lines in the novel about Katherine is "She was a child and then she was a drunk." In 12 Step programs people sometimes say that when you quit an addictive behavior, you go back to the age you were when you started. I was thirty-three going on fifteen. People often drink obsessively (or use or eat) because they can't deal with feelings--sadness, loneliness, anger. They don't know how to interact with people. They don't know how to be honest. It's a lot easier to say, "Okay," and "Sure," and "Yes, I'll help." I love Katherine because she's so believable. I love the part about the bad haircuts. So funny and so true. The part about being in jail is also funny--we sense her growing realization that she has far to go. Although she's a people pleaser, she's also very brave--walking into a 12 step meeting for the first time takes a lot of courage. Laverty's novel makes me see how much harder it must have been for a woman to do so 70 years ago.
I’ve not read it yet, but as a deeply scarred Pleaser who is taking this excerpt 1000% out of context — it totally tracks.
I feel a seething urge when being asked too much (or maybe not even too much, just something I don’t want to actually do) to be rescued from the request by someone or something else. And simultaneously, I struggle to fully know and trust my own mind because it must always come last. Given these two forces, it is completely relatable that her mind could take matters into its own hands to develop a “coping” skill, like “I don’t need to know anymore, just do this thing like you always do,” to dull down the resentment that the Pleaser has learned to make room for in daily life.
I’m very afraid of us Pleasers and what we’re capable of justifying in the name of said pleasing.
Boundaries are tough for people pleasers but so important to work those muscles. Start where you are, it's not too late. Pleasing people and having them 'like' you is great, but having people respect you? Now that tastes even better! PS: don't expect all your people who are used to you being a pleaser to like it when you set boundaries. They won't like it at all. But, they don't have to like it. 😉
As a fellow "recovering" people pleaser (work in progress), I continue to catch myself fawning to men in positions of authority. What the actual f#@%? I am not aligned with my truth and values whatso ever in these moments.
This deep, reflexive, conditioned response makes me feel like a total sell-out. I don't even see it coming: I literally watch myself smack dab in it and say to myself, "What is going on here?" Then I pivot and reclaim my space. Awareness is a start.
I have to say, this part of the book felt too extreme to me. I understand about people pleasing, and I’ve done my share, but would even an extreme people pleaser not ask more questions of Kitty? I’d be like, “Details, please! More details!”
The older I get the less I’m a pleaser. I was exhausted for a couple years very recently by parents who were truly truly in need; I wasn’t pleasing them, I was doing my duty out of love for them in their last years. Now, if someone wants me to do something and it feels inconvenient and a little unreasonable, I’m just NOPE. And it feels fine.
I still enjoy helping when I can, when it’s someone I like. It needs to feel balanced. That just feels like being a decent human.
When I was fifteen I began to drink obsessively. Holiday billboards advertising rum warned people "Think before you drink." I'd say to myself "I do think before I drink. I think I'd like a bottomless rum and Coke." One of my favorite lines in the novel about Katherine is "She was a child and then she was a drunk." In 12 Step programs people sometimes say that when you quit an addictive behavior, you go back to the age you were when you started. I was thirty-three going on fifteen. People often drink obsessively (or use or eat) because they can't deal with feelings--sadness, loneliness, anger. They don't know how to interact with people. They don't know how to be honest. It's a lot easier to say, "Okay," and "Sure," and "Yes, I'll help." I love Katherine because she's so believable. I love the part about the bad haircuts. So funny and so true. The part about being in jail is also funny--we sense her growing realization that she has far to go. Although she's a people pleaser, she's also very brave--walking into a 12 step meeting for the first time takes a lot of courage. Laverty's novel makes me see how much harder it must have been for a woman to do so 70 years ago.
I’ve not read it yet, but as a deeply scarred Pleaser who is taking this excerpt 1000% out of context — it totally tracks.
I feel a seething urge when being asked too much (or maybe not even too much, just something I don’t want to actually do) to be rescued from the request by someone or something else. And simultaneously, I struggle to fully know and trust my own mind because it must always come last. Given these two forces, it is completely relatable that her mind could take matters into its own hands to develop a “coping” skill, like “I don’t need to know anymore, just do this thing like you always do,” to dull down the resentment that the Pleaser has learned to make room for in daily life.
I’m very afraid of us Pleasers and what we’re capable of justifying in the name of said pleasing.
Boundaries are tough for people pleasers but so important to work those muscles. Start where you are, it's not too late. Pleasing people and having them 'like' you is great, but having people respect you? Now that tastes even better! PS: don't expect all your people who are used to you being a pleaser to like it when you set boundaries. They won't like it at all. But, they don't have to like it. 😉
See Amy Poehler here for a good story about not caring if people 'like' what you are doing. https://nothinggoodrhymeswithcharlotte.com/life-lessons-from-amy-poehler-and-tina-fey-we-dont-fcking-care-if-you-like-it/
As a fellow "recovering" people pleaser (work in progress), I continue to catch myself fawning to men in positions of authority. What the actual f#@%? I am not aligned with my truth and values whatso ever in these moments.
This deep, reflexive, conditioned response makes me feel like a total sell-out. I don't even see it coming: I literally watch myself smack dab in it and say to myself, "What is going on here?" Then I pivot and reclaim my space. Awareness is a start.
https://www.bing.com/ck/a?!&&p=d22310e5fa0a9a4ca9dceef80cb29ed589cda3eac30ef20daaae165471b8ccb8JmltdHM9MTczMTYyODgwMA&ptn=3&ver=2&hsh=4&fclid=0cb2f2a8-1712-631b-1aaf-e790164a62c2&u=a1L3NlYXJjaD9xPWNhbmFkaWFuK2RlbW9jcmF0aWMrZGVmZW5jZSthc3NvY2lhdGlvbiZGT1JNPVI1RkQx&ntb=1